440,2003-10-15 21:35:00,2003-10-15 19:38:12,,"*yawns* hello everyone. I guess introductions are in order. I'm Bethany. *waves* um i'm not gonna say much right now because i'm tired and have a HUGE history test tomorrow... but i'll probably update as soon as...oh i dunno... i get bored with my history. lol.
hmm ok yeah. i'm gonna go for now. sorry so short!
I promise i'll talk more next time!",private,0,Taking Over Me- Evanescence,sleepy
671,2003-10-17 22:19:00,2003-10-17 20:46:35,,"aaaaaaaaaah
ok i think i'm seriously going to die here. for those of you who are just recently tuning into my ""saga"" (i had a journal before, on exodusevanescence, that i used but got hacked into. i'd transfer the entries but i get bored. you can see a few of them there... ask me about it if you want to...) i've been having a really crappy time lately. Everything that i dare to dream about, happens. (sounds great huh?) well, it almost happens. it happens to the point that i get my hopes up...then it gets ripped away or something. Like the numerous trips to london i was supposed to have, the trip to chicago to eat and go shopping w/ amy and ben... concerts concerts and more concerts, i just... grr. i can't stand it. anyway...
i actually had a pretty good day today. infact, i can dare to say i had a good day. i was really looking forward to tonight... the football game. i really don't like sports much, but since i go to an alternate fine-arts type highschool, it's a good way to see my friends that i haven't been able to talk to for awhile. tonight was the game against mater dei. wow...talk about packed. mater dei and reitz (where i should have gone to school) are both on the west side (mater dei is a catholic school). so we always have the ""west side rivalry"" between the teams. usually they're both pretty good. this year i think they were both undefeated... (reitz won...hehehe) anyway i got to the game and couldn't find my friends (we had already spent a half hour in line just to get in, the ticket line was twice as long just to give you an idea of how big this thing was...especially for a small indiana town.) so i started walking down to where they usually sit...and turns out they were there...i just didn't reconize them because they had their hoods up (it was cold) so we get through the game alright.. until the 4th quarter. By then my friend Esther had shown up. She never comes to the games... but i was glad to see her because i hadn't talked to her in a really long time. only problem. *sighs* i'll recap the whole story in another entry. all you need to know is i liked this guy for about... oh... a year or 3 and she and my other friend jourdan were obsessed...wait... are obsessed with ""hooking us up"". so i dread being inbetween esther and jourdan.. which is what ended up happening. but first, reitz made a really good play, we all stood up. my bag happened to be open... and my cd player fell out. I had my Evanescence CD in it. It all fell onto the concrete. My CD Player is now broken...and my cd is all scratched up. I can't tell my parents about it because i just got a new CD player and i have no money to buy a new one and neither do they. grr. i love my cd player to death.. i don't want it to be dead... but it is and i'm gonna have to just pretend to listen to it in the car until i figure something out (because i always do and they always ask why i'm not if i don't) so i was already feelin really bad.. then they decide to start pestering me. it would have been fine.. but then esther pulled my ribon out... (yes i was wearing a ribbon to hide the red scrunchy in my hair which she found) (red and gold are mater dei colors) so then they started shouting ""mater dei supporter right here!!"" they were joking of course... but people started staring at me and i was sitting by the marching band... and you don't understand, these people take their football seriously. i'm lucky i'm alive. then they went back to teasing about joey... so i left. i just said. ""fine, that's it. i'm leaving"" and i stood up and walked out. they didn't think i would do it. and probably thought i was coming back... really i wasn't upset about that, i was upset about my CD Player... but grr i dunno. so now i'm gonna get a lot of e-mails and all that crap asking if i'm ok and people and their mom's are going to start calling me tomorrow. (yes...my friends tell their moms this stuff... and then they tell my parents...it's really not much fun) so i guess i'd better wrap this up and go talk to at least some of them so they can start some rumour of me being suicidal to the others and i end up in group therapy. oh well.
i'll talk to you guys later
me
PS i told you i'd talk more this time didn't i? but see... now you won't be able to shut me up...",private,0,Say it ain't so - weezer,annoyed
1022,2003-10-18 19:10:00,2003-10-18 19:06:08,hehe.. yup... it's that time... quizzies....,"oh come on you know you love them just as much as i do!!
No one would really know your name. You would be
called by what you do. For example, if you burn
your victims to death all the time, you would
be known as The Arsonist, or if you knife them,
you would be known as The Slasher. You would be
the mysterious killer who strikes at sporadic
times, and would be very difficult to catch.
You might dress up and mask yourself when you
perform your horrible killings. Your identity
would really be a mystery. Obviously you would
be wanted all over the place, and authorities
would desperately try to capture you. Even if
you were caught, you would not say much. The
public would greatly fear you because you could
just strike unexpectedly.
What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say ""Your head is in the
clouds.""
What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent.
""And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to
go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice
given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went
inside and bled silver blood.. For her
misdeed, the world knew evil.""
Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve
(Christian) and Pandora (Greek).
The Unicorn is associated with the concept of
innocence, the number 3, and the element of
water.
Her sign is the twilight sun.
As a member of Form 3, you are a curious
individual. You are drawn to new things and
become fascinated with ideas you've never come
in contact with before. Some people may say
you are too nosey, but it's only because you
like getting to the bottom of things and
solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to
have because they are inquisitive.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Definitely a sheep. Be proud.
Do you have what it takes to be a true sheep?
brought to you by Quizilla
My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Nihilist Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
you are the ""you suck, and that's sad""
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
borderline
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Fields of Innocence
I love this song, because it's a feeling so many of
us go through. The longing to be children
again, and to escape the violent reality we all
exist in. You want nothing more then to be a
kid again. I know how you feel
Your Lyrics:
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything
What Extremely Underrated Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You can't decide! Some days you want to be the down
to earth, fun loving Amy that everyone in
Little Rock, AR knows. Other days you want to
be the dark brooding Amy Lee that the country
knows as the lead singer of Evanescence.
Whatever you decide today, just have fun doing
it.
What incarnation of Amy Lee (of Evanescence) are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hmmm...ok that's all for now... i had more but i don't know where they are anymore... maybe i'll add them in later",private,0,Zero- Smashing pumpkins,crazy
1260,2003-10-22 17:04:00,2003-10-22 15:37:12,,"wow. five months today. *looks back at recent entries* this is what i hate about starting a new journal. no one knows about anything so i have to explain it. of course...i'd be willing to bet that there's only 1 person reading this, and they know all about it...well...as much as i chose to tell anyway.
last may, may 22 to be exact...eigth grade graduation, my best friend, jai, died. i knew it was coming... it was leukemia... she had had it only since january. heh..she actually got better once, after a church retreat. we all prayed for her, and the next day, i got a call from her mom and she was all better. they had no idea how or why, but i knew, or at least i thought. about a month later she got it again... i thought it was my fault for the longest time, but it wasn't. and i knew that. i just needed someone to blame. someone to hate for this. but then...in april she went into a coma. and in may she died. i didn't tell anyone. i didn't even tell them she had it again... they all believed that a miracle had happened...and as far as i was concerned...it was gonna stay that way. the whole summer i stayed home, isolated with myself. i only talked to about 2 people. the main one...my friend emily... who got me hooked on rock music, the color black, and many other things my mom finds revolting. (no, not drugs or alcohol, i would never do those. never.) anyway... then when i finally made my ""public apperance"" my friends were scared of me... but that's another story. point is... last month about this time, i finally opened up without knowing it. i finally told my friend laura, it was hard to relive it. i just thought that jai was on vacation in arizona again. she'd just be gone for the summer, and then she'd be back. telling someone finally made me realize that she wasn't coming back, ever.
suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello, i'm still here all that's left of yesterday.
every month i dread this day, the whatever-month anniversary. it sounds a bit obsessive... i know... but i still catch myself dialing her number, or sending her an e-mail. or someone says something and i'll think ""oh wow! i gotta tell jai that when i get home!"" but then i realize i can't.
not even her family is here anymore. i was really close with some of her sisters, but their family moved away. can't blame them really. it just seems to make everything a bit harder.
but today, today was that day again. and i almost forgot. i can't believe it. i knew it was today...i just didn't know today was today yet. I was ok today too. i made sure i had some alone time, away from other people during lunch. i sat by myself. (not necessarily on purpose, i just made sure to sign up where everyone else wasn't) and thought about some things. but...i don't know. i was sad..it just wasn't that hard to hide it anymore. i laughed today. a lot. i don't know what i feel like now though, i can't believe i forgot, i don't know how i could. i feel guilty, even though i know i shouldn't.
man, i always used to watch those movies or read stories about someone dying and people feeling guilty when they had a little fun or whatever, and i always used to think ""haven't they seen these movies? people who move on want us to have fun. they want us to be happy. how hard can it be knowing that?"" but now i know and i have a whole new appreciation for those people. i know i shouldn't feel guilty, or be afraid to have fun, or even get close enough to someone else to call them my best friend openly. (which right now, is really too hard to think about) but i do. and i can't help it. apparently it takes a year to get through not haveing the one you loved during the holidays and things, and then another few months or so before you finally accept it. but, i don't know. jai was dead 5 months today. last month it was really really bad for me, i barely got through the day without crying. *sigh* i just really don't know.
i suppose i should go now, i have about 4.5 tons of homework to do tonight :( i know this entry didn't make much sense, but no matter how hard i try, i can't really put it into words. *shrugs* so until i get my feelings psychologically interpreted you're gonna have to deal with this :)",private,0,Evanescence- hello,blank
1527,2003-10-22 21:29:00,2003-10-22 19:41:16,,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! EVERYTHING NEEDS TO STOP HAPPENING!! I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE MY FIRST MENTAL BREAKDOWN!!
*SCREAMS*",private,0,Nine Inch Nails - Hurt,stressed
1762,2003-10-22 22:37:00,2003-10-22 20:38:13,,"*yawns*
bethany
needs
sleep
really
really
really
badly
*yawns*
the end :)",private,0,,tired
1827,2003-10-24 18:05:00,2003-10-24 16:10:54,,"hmm. i'm here at home. obviously. we're having a big halloween dance at school in about an hour. i didn't want to go really, but they held me down, took my money, and forced the ticket in my hand. ok so maybe not, it was more like. ""hi bethany! how ya doin? so you like that guy over there huh? *grabs announcement microphone* give us your money."" so basically, i did it for ""protection"" and i don't wanna waste $5. so now i'm sitting here looking like a freak in a fairy costume. i really do look quite scary. ladeedadeeda. our ""signature penguin hockey team"" won last night, not that anyone wanted to know that, i'm just bored and this thing is short. *yawns*
ok this is boring me
i'm gonna go watch Tv
i haven't done that in a long time.
see ya later.
*smiles*",private,0,"Fallen - Me (my ""orchestral masterpiece"" lol)",satisfied
2232,2003-10-25 00:24:00,2003-10-24 23:16:04,,"it's 12:23
and i'm high on cheese
My dog is asleep
and so should i be
and know we all see
i can't write poetry
especially
at 12:23
when i'm high on cheese
ok don't ask... too much fun at the dance
*sighs*
the dance
wow. that was...
different
i don't know, it was fun, a lot of fun,
i just can't believe what happened
i go for weeks without talking to him
then in one night, when i look ""more freaky"" than i ever have at school (of course, it was a costume)
but tonight, it was different. he was the only one of his friends there i think and the were playin this really fast loud song so i was talking to some of my friends but then the song stopped, and they started playing a really slow one, and all my friends have boyfriends/dates. so they all went with them and started dancing. i really didn't have a problem with it, i didn't have a date and i didn't care. i wasn't going until this morning, but even if i'd been planning since 6th grade i doubt i would have gotten one but that's besides the point. i didn't care ok? i can truthfully tell you that i did-not-care. ok? we straight on this topic? anyway, my friends started to slowdance with their boyfriends/girlfriends/dates and as we already mentioned, i was perfectly fine with it, but i did feel a little uncomfortable just standing there talking to them while they were trying to dance so i kinda backed off and stayed towards the back, which always makes you feel a little uncomfortable, because you know everyone is staring at you and you really have nothing to do because kinda like how amy and ben met, you don't want the teachers to think you're lonely because then they pair you up with another kid in your position. so anyway, i was just standing by Roary taking pictures for people who wanted them, and joey walked up from no where. ok he's not the kinda guy i expected to be at a dance, so we started talkin and soon they started playin a fast song again, and we kept kinda talking and walking and before i knew it, they were playing another song and i wasn't an odd one out, i had him, right there. i didn't know what to do, i didn't know if he wanted to stay and still dance, or just talk, or just leave, i didn't know. so we just kinda stood there for a minute, it was kinda like in the movies, you know with the music playing and the akward feeling you get? and then it almost happened, and i was really happy, but then i see this streak of blue and jody ran out of the gym crying...and i couldn't leave her...so i told him i'd be back, but i knew i'd ruined it. now, i'm more confused than i ever was.
*screams*
i think i'm just not gonna like him anymore because that would be a whole lot easier. so that's it. it's done. 3...almost 4 years. it's over, i don't like him anymore.
hmm...
let's see how long this lasts
*checks watch*
hmm...actually...
just kidding.
grr..
i'm tired. i'm going to bed now.
goodnight.
me",private,0,Forgiven - Alanis Morrisette,confused
2335,2003-10-25 19:10:00,2003-10-25 17:18:04,,"I thought it was the package
with my cd
but it turned out to be crappage
because my dad played a trick on me
-devin and klubbit in loving memory of the late mr. tibbulk, the flying fish, who was last seen sitting on the side of a plane, as he is a fish and enjoys..or enjoyed rather... those kinds of things :'-(
ok i ordered the ""going under"" single for me and laura off ebay last week. it was only $.99 so i thought since i'm never gonna find it here i might as well just order it from australia... and it said it could be up to 14 days before i get it... but it could be as soon as 3, so everyday i've been waiting and checking the mail hoping it will be there, and i always ask my dad as soon as i get home from school whether or not it came and so today i asked him if i got any mail and he said, ""no, but there's a package here for mom"" and since i ordered it with paypal it would come to my mom, so i was upstairs and i jumped over the gate we use to keep my nephew downstairs and i tripped and hit my head on the wall and continued to jump down the stairs ( i really wanted that CD) and finally i got in there and slid to a stop getting carpet burn on my feet, and he gave me the package and i started to run back upstairs and i looked at it and it was from my mom's work, and i said ""hey! this isn't it"" and my dad started cracking up. it was very mean to get my hopes up like that. the end.",private,0,Exodus - Evanescence,irritated
2749,2003-10-28 15:38:00,2003-10-28 13:45:35,,"hmmm
i'm at the library after school again.
waiting for my stupid, stupid oboe lessons
have i ever told you how much i hate my oboe lessons?
probably not.
well guess what you lucky, lucky people
i cannot stand them
i can't express in words how much i hate going to my oboe lessons. i don't practice, i know, because i'm not motivated at all. i have an excuse book that i use once every few weeks. because my teacher is spawn of satan.
seriously. i don't know why i hate her so much but i cannot stand that woman. she is truly evil. and i usually like people. i can't tell you any other person that i truly and with all my being and everything i have ever stood for, or possessed, hate. except for her. and it's not just me. the other oboe players in my youth orchestra take from her too, and we all hate her. grr but that's besides the point
i am having a seriously crappy time, and i didn't realize it until Sunday night.
we had a church halloween party for all the little kids, and the older kids were gonna go back and scare them. so i reached over the table where the food was, to get some cheese cubes before we had to ""go home"" (in the hallway, where we'd scare the kids) well as i was trying desperatly to get some, my fairy wings caught fire from one of the open candles, which then spread to my hair, and my shoulder. yes. i caught on fire.
it was over in a few minutes, kasey saved my life basically by slapping me and i am forever grateful.
but then i went home and cried... a lot but i couldn't figure out why. it was partly because i was on fire i suppose, that and my skirt that i worked soooooooo hard on for such a long time, was ruined by a car door. but there was more... which i will have to cover in the next entry (probably tonight while i procrastinate doing biology again) because the librarian is giving me nasty looks (or as nasty as librarians can look...which is pretty nasty) *shudders*
alright.
i'll return with the rest of this later
so you're all going to have to wait until then.
yeah... all of you
ha
me",private,0,"none, i'm in the library...",moody
2983,2003-10-29 21:13:00,2003-10-29 19:58:17,,"ok here's the ""rest"" you've been waiting for. i didn't really realize all this was happening until the other day
we'll start with immediate family...(parents/sibs)
Mom: Always busy. I never see her anymore. She's always at a business meeting, or at the hospital with my grandma. She's never home. I haven't really talked to her about anything since this summer.
Dad: still without a job. it's been almost 2 years now. this isn't good. we're making one third of what we used to and still living the same way we did when my dad had a job. There are no jobs around here. I think if he doesn't fine one soon...we're gonna have to move. which would suck because then my mom wouldn't have a job. i wouldn't have a school, and we'd be worse off than we were to begin with.
Brian (oldest sib): He's actually ok. i think. we seem to be getting closer than we ever have been. his son, jack, has croup though. which sux. poor kid. i had that all the time when i was little. it's not fun
Mark and Karen: I'm putting these two together because they have the same problem. They've both been smoking for a long time. My sister has severe respiratory problems without cigarettes, and my brother called the other day, and while i only heard one end of the conversation, it sounds like he's really really sick. probably from the smoking. whatever it is my parents are really concerned with getting him to a doctor and soon.
Grandparents
Grandma/Grandpa (dad's side)
Grandma: Not good shape. She has alzheimers. and this disease called ""sun downers"" or something it sounds scary. the other night my grandpa turned off the light and she saw a man coming toward her with a tree branch through his head, all bloody and disfigured. the way she talked about it gave me nightmares
Grandpa: has leukemia. the same thing i lost my best friend to. he's not doin really well. my dad said he's tryin really hard to stay alive until my grandma dies, because he doesn't think she could survive without him, which is true. but it makes it double hard for me because, not only do i know that they're both in pain, but they're both gonna die around the same time, and the doctor says they probably won't be around next christmas. and that's if they do well.
Grandma (mom's side) : I don't even know anymore. She's been in the hospital for a couple of months now i guess. She just had surgery on her pancreus, then on her colon... i don't know. it took her ""longer than normal"" to wake up ...but she finally did and i guess that's good. she's lonely though. and homesick. and worried.
friends:
Jody: was almost killed by her brother the other night. She's in the hospital too, i went to visit her today. after i saw my grandma. she looks bad. she wouldn't tell me why they were fighting, but it was bad. and the day before, the police arrested her and brought her to school beause she was late. (since when do police come and get you?)
Amy: I don't know, something's wrong. She's not herself lately...I can't put my finger on it though. She was crying at the dance last friday, boy trouble perhaps?
jennifer: keeps talking about suicide... constantly. i can't stand it anymore, she's always so depressed. you can't live like that. you can't be depressed every day. it's not healthy. it's starting to bring me down too
jack and lacey: I haven't heard anything from them since august. even then they couldn't tell me anything. what's going on with them? i don't understand. what could their father have done so bad that they had to leave the country?
me: i'm becoming more distant. i seem to be losing friends. i'm more depressed, and i'm trying not to be. it doesn't sound like it in this entry. but that's because this is my outlet. this is where i'm allowed to be depressed.
i'm getting behind on homework again. but i don't see how, because i'm constantly working on it. it just seems to multiply by itself.
everyone's pairing off so to speak. and i'm still so confused. i really don't think i like joey anymore.
""who now is left alone, but me?"" solitude is a great song.
lets see
jody - marcus
amy - john
alyssa - jordan
kasey - feistal
jillian - justin
laura - dana
jennifer - william
steffany - ricky
becca - tim
margaret - jacob
what's going on? did i not get a memo or something? aaah
oh well
i really don't care that much. yet...
but what's worse is i don't have a best friend i can talk to all of this about
i've got friends i can...and do... talk to. but i don't have that one person who knows you better than you know yourself. in fact, she's part of the reason i'm so down about this.
if jai were still here i think i'd be a lot better off right now.
*sighs* it doesn't sound nearly as tragic now as it did sunday night. hmm. oh well.
i'm so tired of it all. at least it's out now, and i feel a little better. *sniff*
hmm ok i need to stop procrastinating and actually do my homework",private,0,White Discussion - Live,worried
3220,2003-10-31 19:49:00,2003-10-31 18:16:05,,"haha i have 2 people on my friends list now. you guys are gonna have to fight for the top spot. i've been reading all my entries and it's left me feeling depressed. and i'm not in a depressed mood tonight. so i've decided i need to write a happy entry.
yes, you heard me. a happy entry.
really nothing has changed. i'm dyeing my hair in about an hour or so (yay!) and it's halloween. maybe that's why i'm happy. yeah. it's my night, and where am i?
at home. listening to the reitz game (not by choice...) writing in my journal. which is good. i was invited to a party or two, but well... ever since last sunday when i thought it would be fun to spontaneously combust in front of small children, my parents don't want me to even look at *gasp* fire. and one of them was a bonfire party, um... the other ones i just found out about today so it was too late to make arrangements. i wish i could drive. but it's ok because i'm going to dye my hair soon
eep. hmmm lets see... happy things. ladeedadeeda. my nose itches. i'm sure you wanted to know that too. we have a concert tomorrow night. we're playing carmen and jourdan can't come. but she found out about the dance *gulp* oh well. happy thoughts. happy thoughts
um. i had cream cheese today. and everyone dressed up at school for halloween. i was a scary cat. i wore my infamous scary cat shirt and i had ears and a tail.
the cd's should be here on monday.
if not, i'm sueing.
ok maybe not. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok i think i'm gonna go dye my hair now
byedibyebyebye
me",private,0,deck the halls,happy
